Where does the time go?

It has been 7 months since my last post, a subtle reminder that healing and recuperation can often take it's own time. The highest part of me knows that to honor that is to be in integrity, and to force or resist leads only to pain and discomfort. So, while it may appear that I lack follow through, and consistency - my heart truly knows that this down time was completely necessary and perfect.

The long and short of my time away is that I truly got in touch with the sadness I had brushed aside at the passing of my Mom & dear friend Bill. Those two losses occurred within 6 months of one another, and although I thought I was processing - I was actually just surviving. I am grateful to have survived. Today, I am o.k. that for sometime I failed to "show up" in a joyful, open, compassionate way. The truth is that I was lucky to be getting out of bed. My children were lucky to be receiving care, my husband was lucky to have the shell of what he had once known as wife. And they loved me through it, supported me, even though it must have seemed like my body had been taken over by some dark force. Grief is like that. Mentally I understood, and trusted Life. Death never meant the end of my dear ones, yet my day to day experience was missing something vital. My connection to these two went through a transformation, and while that transformation was occurring my experience was full of loss and confusion. Today, I am able to feel the connection and share with them the way I could when they had bodies, maybe even deeper. In quiet, still moments I feel their essence surround me, and know I am not without them .... ever.